Vipassana - to see things clearly; as they are

Hi All - I'm back from Vipassana... It was my second "go" in 5 months!  It's time for me to share and reflect. i just need to write...  however/whichever way it comes out...

Why did i go in the first place?  it was a bit last minute.  As you all may know, I recently moved to Brooklyn to live with Cassandra.  i believe it was the big change i was unwilling to face and deal with.  i had no idea how much attachment lurks.  things were becoming overwhelming and i pretty much dropped everything on the ground and left with minimal communication...not wanting to deal. not giving myself the time and allowance for things to settle. and ultimately, not understanding the concept of CHANGE. instead, i felt like Vipassana would help me understand, cope and accept this CHANGE more easily - which, on all fronts - it has. it has been a reinforcement on so many levels.  On the other hand, it could be seen as "running" away from CHANGE and hiding out.

With that said, i knew i would be breaking a lot of commitments by going to Vipassana upon such short notice. 

1. i would be missing the group workshop - the commitment i have to myself, Amy and each person in our group. 

2. i was going to miss the potlove that Cassandra and i were planning as my "house-warming party."   and i remember at one point, we were both really excited about hosting it together!  

3.  I dropped my Women Studies Class.  My teacher recommended to take it another time when i would not have to miss so much class. 

4. i did not follow through with work that i told Amy i would have done for her upon leaving. 

5.  i did not tell my father that i was leaving and i ended up missing his birthday - come the 5th day of the course - i had already turned my phone in.  

and now that i reflect, i see that i was running away.  completely abandoning everything that is important to me.  and so... i went far, far into the woods where i could be silent for 10 days and just be left alone.... going further into a state of isolation.  

funny enough this was no vacation i chose.  i entered a place where you have no choice but to sit and fight your own battle - - a place that takes super strong and determined warrior strength to get through.

However, there was something SO strong that pulled me to go to Vipassana.  It was something i couldn't really explain, justify or make sense of.  and now i'm wondering if it really was my heart that i was listening to or if i was just reacting to fear.  hummm???

I was so caught up in my cloud of ailments that i didn't even consider how i affect others.  As if i was the only one with problems in this world?!

 i did what i thought was best for me at the time.  and that's all i have.  and now all i can/want to do is learn from this experience.  Breaking my word and my commitments is not the truth of who i am and what i stand for.  and so, that is something i do not take lightly.  that's why i am taking a look at it now...

I started my juice fast today with all of you and i'm sure more clarity will settle in...  thanks for listening. i love you guys.        

It is about time to write a little on this blog. I thank all of you for inspiring me to pick up the bat and take a swing. Funny metaphor to choose but it feels appropriate as I am facing a lot of old pain, resentments and anger this month with my relationships, my liver and certain members of my family that I simply have chosen to excommunicate out of fear. I thought that desensitization was rough, but feeling this is a new one for me. Deep pockets of pain and a raw desire to get it all gone, just wanting to be clean. Wanting to let that little girl speak. And she does, she wants to scream and cry and ask for help. I almost feel split in two, seeing this raw spirit without a future and a past, this innocence that wants to be held and feel alive, that wants to take risks without worry and go on adventures, guided only by the heart; then, there is the identified one that has created a fortress around herself to hide the abuse, the pain and the neglect, here there is only the past and the fear that a happy future can never be. 

Just got back from a beautiful wedding. It was on Block Island. Absolutely stunning! But I woke up feeling lost and very alone, far from the reality of finding someone that I could take this journey with, someone that will love me without condition, simply for who I am, simply as that little girl, flowers in hand running on the ocean barefoot. 

It is hard not to enter the room of self sabotage, but more is being asked of me now and I am slowly taking steps toward facing what has been for so long hidden in a shroud of self-protection and fortitude. I am ready to write about my resentments. I am ready to voice my feelings. I am ready to face the truth of who I really am, by letting go of all the misidentifications and self-deceptions. I am ready to begin a love affair with who I am, as I am, a process of healing that hurts and makes me laugh all in the same moment. A celebration of life, long overdue. 

As we all know, it is a road that is hard to walk alone. I am blessed to have you all on the path. Thank you for your support, your laughter, your love, your honesty, your beauty, your experiences, your hearts, your light, your joy, your innocence. I love all of you!!!

It is really going in the good direction

So here i am thinking about what i should say. Trying to pick my word so i do not say too much but enough so i am being understood. Why? It is just a protection thing that i got since i am very small, just to make sure that no one will hurt me back with my own sharing or demand. So this is off course what i am working on now. Why would that be store in the liver? because i have always feel like sea sick (really physically) when i needed to speak and paralyzed about talking, not saying the right things. I have overcome a lot by understanding when growing that i could say most and it is ok to say things that no one understand. but still now with the meditation i feel that in my liver, i have stored it all there all the physical pain related to speech and expressing or not being able to say really what i really want to say so deep so profound.
So i have start talking feeling the past couple of days and it really feels liberating.

I just wanted to share so that I do not start again just keeping for myself all that is happening, and also so that you can keep on going with your work, because i like to read about it and it is inspiring me to keep on going even if it is painful at some time.

With much Love to all of you, thank you for being there and being willing to evolve for all that exist and more.

nancy

No more X's on the mouth

Gotta just do it and share. Let it flow, must start writing for the sake of my little one that is sitting in a corner of guck. Last Tuesday at our Integration workshop I found out that I was keeping secrets. Not like dirty little secrets or secrets that someone else had told me to keep but, secrets more in the sense of keeping my mouth shut and stuffing my feelings so no one could see what was going on inside of me. These are indeed the secrets that had taken shape and had formed into untold communication of feelings...thus keeping to myself and eventually turning in and against myself for holding these secret feelings. I ended up masking these pains with alcohol and drugs. How interesting it was that we went into the liver and here is where I found my secret under the sticky toxic mess I had put my liver through. After Tuesday...I sat with this little girl and asked her what she would like me to do. So simply the answer was given: write and write so everyone can read -- whatever it is, if it makes sense, if it doesn't...it doesn't matter -- just write it out into the world. This is how your secrets will be released. Of course easier said than done I thought. Then to top it off -- the voice from inside said...everyday. Write something everyday until you can verbally communicate what it is that you want to say. Of course again I thought...easier said than done. I realized that what was being perscriped to me was the practice of persistance and follow through in order to see the outcomes for the disease to be cured. Okay deep inner voice... I will honor what you have to say. And thank you deep inner voice for showing me where my voice has been x'ed out and how to let my true voice speak again.

A is for beginning and B is for starting out with A. A and B step together and carry me along the way. Without one there is no other and without the other there is no one...with both we can see each other and together we can become one and thus the link goes on to another.

Basil Blends in Basel

Location: Basel, Switzerland
Time: 7:30pm
Scene: just drove from Zurich 45 mins to Basel after flying in from Graz via Munich. total travel time : 5 hours
Concetta and Shelly are in the Ramanda hotel, 14th floor with a view of the city and a small zoo tent outside their window . the ramada is not like the shitty american style, it's super swank with modern decor and a high tech elevator with a keypad. as soon as they enter, the veggies and portable hand blender come out, using the small desk as a counter top. the first blend of the night is concetta's cucumber, ginger, lemon juice, a staple for her tours. she adds the sliced ingredients to a large plastic container, then adds bottled water and blends throughly. she then strains the pulp to make a juice!
C: "i love this stuff so much! it's totally cleansing to me when i travel.
Shelly is impressed - a juice in a hotel room is absolutely brilliant.
Up next, as C is dumping the pulp over the hotel trash can, shelly begins her signature tomato, basil, stevia blend she invented last time they were in montreal.
C: "shelly, it tasted like spaghetti last time. can you remember what you did?"
S: "i just go with the flow. i think the secret is your spaghetti spice. i need to get some of that. where did you get that?"
C: "at some gourmet store in a french airport. we have to go to paris!"
shelly begins the blend, 1 large tomato, 4 cherry toms, fresh & dried basil, half an onion, 4 sun-dried, secret spaghetti spice, cayenne, garlic powder, Himalayan salt, and just a touch water. she begins the blend making sure to get a thick consistence.
Et viola~! once again - a beautiful blend!
C: "wow shelly. i'm so proud of you!!"
Concetta then goes for a super food, scrap blend so they don't waste a thing! half an onion, dulse, sun-dried toms, olives, macadamias, blue green algae, vitamineral green, zinc, Himalayan salt, cayenne, dried basil....blend!!!
shelly tastes it -" uurgh i can't do olives and dulse in a blend. it's too much"
C: "hey it's too salty. how do you get rid of salt?"
S: "add something sweet!"
.......
the hours are draining the girls and Concetta prepares for her pre-gig beauty sleep. shelly intends to pull an all nighter, at least getting out of the hotel for a quick walk around the hotel.

more to come...watch this space

fasting is the answer

I am on day 5 of my juice fast with day 3 as a water fast and I have to say out loud because I struggle and struggle with overeating issues- THIS IS THE WAY! I feel so amazing, look SO beautiful and feel so high why would I compromise this way of being by stuffing myself all the time and being so attached to food?
I am truly understanding how much food is EMOTIONAL and AESTHETIC- like I woke up absolutely not hungry (amazing for me!) and a thought came in my head like "pizza would be nice" and then I wanted it.
Then later that day I went to the bathroom in that Chocolate place called Max Brenner -really not recommended to go in there while fasting :-)- and there was this pizza made out of chocolate and marshmellows on display and I was like I NEED TO EAT THAT! I mean it was totally gross but it looked aesthetically cool , and also brought back that childhood feeling of excitement and treat and forbidden food that was such a huge part of growing up. Then I was with a friend who was eating a grilled soy cheese, and the bread- you could smell it from a mile away- my senses are totally on fire right now because of fasting- and I think I was salivating but I just concentrated on what that bread does to you- DOUGH TURNS YOU INTO DOUGH!

Amy taught me in australia that food can look and smell good but that doesn't mean that you have to eat it. I will never forget that.
So I feel totally high and am even loving my body more and more, and I have fear that I will lose this feeling once I go back to eating again. If I were staying home it would be easier because I feel like I could go on forever. But I am going right on tour on thursday. I plan to stay on blended til at least Sunday and then my mantra has to be light light light, which again will be challenging because I will be with my boyfriend who I love to make food for and also recording and also by my favorite new raw restaurant in London! I don't want to go into future based fear, but how many times have I experienced lightness and happiness while fasting only to go back to overeating and gaining all the weight back?
And then I need to remember that fasting is to clear your channel to the Divine. Forget about weight shit. What a stupid obsession OH I AM SO OVER IT!
I have to say this has been the easiest fast I ever did hunger-wise and I guess that is a testament to me staying raw and as much as I can anti- candida, that at least I am like 98% raw, even if I am overeating, and it is showing in the ease of this fast.

L O V E (Developing Peace with Food)

Today i made lunch for myself... this time, with love and care. Normally, i throw stuff together and i don't enjoy the process of making food for myself.  it's usually a rushed thing where i get so anxious around the food that my heart starts racing and i can hardly sit down because i'm standing up eating along the way and then i have a challenging time deciding when is the "appropriate" time to stop. 

Today was different.  I added one extra ingredient - "Love."  It made it taste sooo much better.  I've heard it said before, "Always make food with love." and honestly, i never really knew what that felt like before.  My mind has been so conditioned (from modeling days) that food is bad.  It was never treated as a nurturing way of taking care of myself but rather a way to beat and sabotage myself for F E E L I N G.  

My goodness - How askew!!!   I'm so happy that i took the time to blog about this.  I see that i am developing and integrating a more peaceful, loving relationship with food...  

and Remember: Don't forget the Love!