F.E.A.R

Today i wanted to run away to Hawaii, live in a small little hut and go swimming with the dolphins. (Everyday...I would go swimming with the dolphins everyday!!!!)

What I realized is that although this might be a nice place to go to...what I was actually doing was wanting to not face my fear. My fear of feeling whatever it is that I don't want to feel. Today I heard the anagram: F.E.A.R :: forgetting everything and running. Today was one of those days where I was not happy where I was within myself and I wanted to go some place else...runaway, check out.

I have not been steadfast in my stage 1 commitment to myself which is to honor and take care of myself. Instead, I have gone the other way and every night (pretty much every night) I have gotten into the pattern of suppressing the feelings that arise with dried apples, then dark chocolate almonds and topping it off with a slice of cheese pizza and two garlic knots. Intense, dishonoring headaches are then formed and the harshness that I lay upon myself sets in. I then do not want to turn to any of the practices that will relieve me of my pain. I just want to loathe in it more...bask in its darkness. I realize it's not the true darkness that I am in. It's a dull darkness...this ego darkness. It's like this: there's black and then there's true black...right? In graphic design you set your CMYK values for printers black - a true, rich black at 0,0,0,100. If it is set at say...0,0,10,90...it is not a rich black and when printed onto paper it will not be a pure, saturated, absent of all color type of black...it will actually be slightly dulled and off in tone. What I'm trying to say is that I am suprressing my true feelings when I eat this food and it is a dull darkness. In order for me to have a true, rich darkness revealed, I must use the right settings in order to allow true darkness of the uncovered feelings to come to the surface. Then once it hits the surface, it is given light and then true color is revealed...I will then be able to see the full spectrum and depth of color that has always been hidden beneath the surface...this is when darkness becomes light, black becomes white. White is the spectrum of all color shining through. So instead of forgetting everything and running...I see F.E.A.R now as facing everything and recovering by uncovering.

Thanks tonight for all whom shared and were on the line....breaking into the spectrum of color in order to be the light.

MGMT - my new FAVORITE music

Today i actually feel like being me - i filled out my entire personal interest sections on Facebook check it out!! I really want to be me today no one else - read a book, go through my closet of fun clothes, play some music....not find ways out of myself or correcting or bettering - just being me. And i think i'm going to REALLY do a proper green juice fast!

Oh I can't stop listening to this band, MGMT and obviously neither can many other people...i think they are one of the most remixed bands right now, hugely popular. check out this remix: Of Moons, Birds & Monsters by Holy Ghost

Finding Balance through Compassion

Well, it has been one of those weeks. Parts of me ignited by the joy of seeing old friends and family who have been in town visiting; parts of me taken down by the frustration and exhaustion of  doing the same old things and hoping for a different solution. It has been a week of indulgences, letting myself go, eating too much, not meditating enough. And there it is, in a nutshell, why not truly let myself go where the indulgence is embracing my connection to the truth of who I am and enjoying the vulnerability of being open; where it is not about "too much" and "not enough". Those old tapes only lead to more stuffing and avoiding, joyous times followed by huge landslides. I get down deep and then I run. I have been doing it for some time now, avoiding the breakthroughs because the old belief systems remain strong. It feels so insane that I might find comfort in the dis-ease. That is where I am at, seeing that and accepting it so that I can let go and break free because, guess what, the only person suffering from my old behavior is me. I don't want to feel restless and awkward, uncomfortable in my skin, that I need to hide until I have corrected my mistakes, unable to give love to others because I am fighting myself, far from the truth when it is so close. I want to take care of myself and treat myself with the same love that I would want others to experience. I want to eat what makes me feel good and be in harmony with food as a source of vitality and nutrition, rather than using it to indulge and treat myself. I want to accept where I am right now and the potential that I have to give and shine from that place. I want to continue to enjoy the people in my life and make deeper connections with the ones who I have only just met. I want to explore my creativity. I want to sing again and explore that part of myself that I have tucked away for too long. I want to laugh and play and put "control" to bed. I know that more challenges are ahead, but I embrace them as possibilities and teachers. I want to grow, to evolve, to become the change I wish for others. Life is too short to keep dragging myself down and there is far too much going on in the world to remain in this place. I ask for help on this path. Today I am embrace the light and make a commitment to being ever more conscious of my actions, considering the impact that they make not only on myself but on the rest of the world. I seek to find balance amidst the changing tides, to trust that my relationship to circumstances is what is most important. I aim my bow toward compassion. May it give me the strength to follow my own heart and share that joy and faith with others. I love you all! Have a beautiful, beautiful day! 

farm sanctuary speech

Hi, recently I spoke at Farm Sanctuary's Walk for Animals in Central Park. I wanted to post up my speech for all to read. It's the first speech I ever gave. I was so nervous. I can jump around like a monkey on stage and entertain people but public speaking- oh boy- another story. But I did it, in the rain, and some of my good friends like Thunder and June came out to support so that made it easier.

Here it is:

It is a great honor to stand up here and speak in support of Farm Sanctuary. Thank you. What an incredible organization this is. I am continually touched by the efforts of the Sanctuary, whether it’s their efforts in taking in slaughterhouse survivors, or working hard to change legislature like Prop 2 which is a measure to prevent abusive factory farming practices, Or rescuing pigs during the flood in the Midwest who had been left to die after being tortured by the worst living conditions.

I’m going to start with a honest confession. I am a vegan, a RAW vegan, who sometimes struggles with wanting to eat chocolate. Milk chocolate. And let me tell you what I think about when I look at that ubiquitous Snickers bar that tempts me from pretty much every single minbar all over the world when I’m on tour: I think about the dairy cow who must stand on metal slats on the ground 24 hours a day, who must be literally raped by big machines that inseminate her to keep her pregnant so she is constantly pregnant; I think about how her baby is ripped away from her so that the tiny baby can become veal, chained up so he can’t move so he can be more tender, i.e without muscles; and when I think about the yummy caramelly center of the Snickers bar I think about how the dairy cow only lives a miserable 4 or 5 years max instead of the 25 she is supposed to live, collapsing at the end of her life exhausted and in shock.

Another thing is, I love shoes. Sometimes if I see a really nice pair of Manolos I think ooh maybe just one pair. And then, I have to remind myself – where does leather come from? Most leather comes from India. They don’t really like to kill cows in India. So they have to take the cows on a horrible death march to a nearby county where they can kill them. The cows are herded onto trucks without food or water for trips that take days, then they are marched to their demise- sometimes cayenne is rubbed in their eyes or they are whipped so they will keep walking, and then finally they are slaughtered, sometimes with a blunt knife slicing across their necks very slowly as they bleed to death.

So, I don’t get the shoes.

The point is, we human beings are wanting machines. I am no exception. We want our food to taste good, We want to look good, we want this we want that. And we want it NOW. But what are we actually doing? What are the consequences of our actions? Does fulfilling our wants create suffering or does it create harmony?

Wanting CAN indeed create harmony-We all want good things- we all want peace, we want joy for ourselves and others (well sometimes for others..) we all want to be happy. That is pretty much universal, whether you are a human being or an animal being. Even a little worm will inch its way out to the sunshine.

I am sure you all know the Gandhi quote Be the Change you wish to see in the world. We all want to end war, we all want peace we all want non-violence. How do we manifest that? By stopping all war and violence in ourselves. If we eat meat or dairy or use animal products like leather we are a part of the violence, cruelty and horror of modern life. WE are at war. Our personal actions DO make a difference in profound ways and it is up to us to start living up to our own personal potential of inner peace, harmony and love.

My amazing teachers Sharon Gannon and David Life of Jivamukti yoga taught me this Sanskrit
prayer : Lokah Samasta Suki Noh Bavantu, May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may my thoughts words and actions Contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all. Let our actions contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all-

The month of October is world vegetarian month so this is perfect timing- I’m going to pause for a minute and everyone close your eyes. Please take one moment and consider what one thing you can leave out of your diet or your wardrobe or maybe one action you could take that will make your world -and consequently OUR world- a better place.

I promise I won’t ever eat a Snickers bar again. Thank you so much and thank you Farm Sanctuary for all the amazing work you do and for making such a difference in the world!

Build the core connection, it will get stronger.

For me, this whole past month has been about my God connection. It's a vulnerable topic for me and between my AA and Amy's program God has come into play so loud that I could no longer push it off to side stage. Long story short...I was raised Christian Science - parents divorced - dad sent us to CFO (camp furthest out) and I came out of the camp as a born again christian which last for about 6-9 months. After which I had then become an atheist (that's when I started using and dosing the alcohol and drugs). When I entered the rooms of AA I found out that I had no spirituality whatsoever. There was only me and my fight. When I did the work with Amy I came to believe the beauty in God consciousness. Today, I have a new found relationship with my Higher Power say God. But do not be fooled by my new spirituality...it is in the building stages of securing a strong foundation. A foundation that I can trust and fully release myself to that which is bigger than I.

Now...when I was a "born again", I was crazy. Simply just crazy. Thought everyone was going to go to hell. I fought for God and defended my God so strongly that I simply was just so crazy that I didn't even scare myself. With my relationship to God today...I am very sensitive to watching myself not to go there again. My personality is an extreme type and therefore I can get "born again" on anything. Which brings me to the food and this path. I am not a "born again" raw foodist but, I find myself wanting to defend something that is still so new to me. And then God enters stage right again and I want to defend him too! And then I think...why am I defending a God that needs no defending? Why turn away when I am asking to serve someone who doesn't know which way to go? Why believe that there is this way...when there are so many different ways? Who am I to say anything...your way is your way, my way is my way and whatever way we go is Gods way.

So, my new friend God is testing me. Testing my strength in overcoming doubt. Last night I was brought to reflect on why I'm in this program. Instead of stepping outside and into it, I passively reacted to it. Still learning and practicing to watch it...I watched myself turn frustrated. Why can't people see the reason to why we are walking this way? Why are we still at the surface level of wanting the cash and prizes? (Reflection. Reflection. Not Reaction but reflection. - I keep repeating in my head. Compassion arises and then it dissipates and reaction clouds over.) I begin to get defensive because I know why I'm on this path. I'm on the path because I see that this path is for me and my way to connect to God. To attain God consciousness. I see AA as a way to see the congregation of God working and then I see Amy's program as a way to build the core connection to God. Digging into the root to remove the craving is where healing can then begin - obsession is then removed, then there is no substance that can get in my way between God and I.

The dedication to myself, God...is the reason I do this work. Yeah sure, the looks, attraction, empowerment, motivation, strength, insight, etc...are plentiful and rewarding but, without the principle motive of maintaing connection to God we loose focus of where we are and why we are here on the path. Once we are strong in our dedication to ourselves, (thus to others) we will not falter in the wavering question of why and be able to see at what angle/side others are entering the stage in order to put our service to work without judgement, without frustration.

My computer crashed while in midst of an email this afternoon in regards to venting my frustration to this topic. I cried when it crashed. I then moved myself to my bed and did a tool #10 (conscious listening) step. What came through was to "build the core connection, it will get stronger". In see that attachement in other people, places, ideas, beliefs, groups, tribes, things, are an illusion. Take them away and where do you stand? Is your Godself strong enough to stand alone when all that you are doing is being questioned? Letting go of doubt in this path for me is being tested. What works for one may or may not work for another. But standing still in my path will make me stronger.

Vipassana - to see things clearly; as they are

Hi All - I'm back from Vipassana... It was my second "go" in 5 months!  It's time for me to share and reflect. i just need to write...  however/whichever way it comes out...

Why did i go in the first place?  it was a bit last minute.  As you all may know, I recently moved to Brooklyn to live with Cassandra.  i believe it was the big change i was unwilling to face and deal with.  i had no idea how much attachment lurks.  things were becoming overwhelming and i pretty much dropped everything on the ground and left with minimal communication...not wanting to deal. not giving myself the time and allowance for things to settle. and ultimately, not understanding the concept of CHANGE. instead, i felt like Vipassana would help me understand, cope and accept this CHANGE more easily - which, on all fronts - it has. it has been a reinforcement on so many levels.  On the other hand, it could be seen as "running" away from CHANGE and hiding out.

With that said, i knew i would be breaking a lot of commitments by going to Vipassana upon such short notice. 

1. i would be missing the group workshop - the commitment i have to myself, Amy and each person in our group. 

2. i was going to miss the potlove that Cassandra and i were planning as my "house-warming party."   and i remember at one point, we were both really excited about hosting it together!  

3.  I dropped my Women Studies Class.  My teacher recommended to take it another time when i would not have to miss so much class. 

4. i did not follow through with work that i told Amy i would have done for her upon leaving. 

5.  i did not tell my father that i was leaving and i ended up missing his birthday - come the 5th day of the course - i had already turned my phone in.  

and now that i reflect, i see that i was running away.  completely abandoning everything that is important to me.  and so... i went far, far into the woods where i could be silent for 10 days and just be left alone.... going further into a state of isolation.  

funny enough this was no vacation i chose.  i entered a place where you have no choice but to sit and fight your own battle - - a place that takes super strong and determined warrior strength to get through.

However, there was something SO strong that pulled me to go to Vipassana.  It was something i couldn't really explain, justify or make sense of.  and now i'm wondering if it really was my heart that i was listening to or if i was just reacting to fear.  hummm???

I was so caught up in my cloud of ailments that i didn't even consider how i affect others.  As if i was the only one with problems in this world?!

 i did what i thought was best for me at the time.  and that's all i have.  and now all i can/want to do is learn from this experience.  Breaking my word and my commitments is not the truth of who i am and what i stand for.  and so, that is something i do not take lightly.  that's why i am taking a look at it now...

I started my juice fast today with all of you and i'm sure more clarity will settle in...  thanks for listening. i love you guys.