In My Face!

There it is again, in my face! I shared about this last Wednesday during group check-in but now, I must document it...express it again.

In the photo you will see three shelves. Two of them are mine and one of them, the top one, is my roomate Phil's shelf. Phil's a nice guy, a computer animator. He keeps to himself in his room and has dirty habits. All habits of which I use to have. He smokes, he drinks, he eats bad food and he is up all hours of the night and sleeps all day. He has his own bathroom and thus hardly ever leaves his room. Unless, it's to go to class or go pick up food from Pratt grease cafe. This is in no way a dis on him. I realize that this is where he is at in his life and that's fine. To each there own. But for the love of god it bothers me.

I don't like seeing pizza in the refridgerator. I don't like him smoking, even occassionally by my hibiscus plant near the living room window. I don't like to see the vodka in the freezer. I don't like hearing him up at night and not knowing what exactly it is that he does in there at any hour of the day. I don't like that he never gets any excercise. I don't like to hear him say, "It's almost nice enough to take a bike ride" and then has never taken a bike ride on the days it has been 78 degrees. I don't like it when he does come out of the room and all he does is yawn like he's in total exhaustion mode. These are things that drive me crazy.

Why do these things drive me crazy? Because these are the things that I used to do. This was revealed to my at the last group check-in...with the help of Zito and the others. Phil is my mirror. He is what I used to be like and if I continued down that path, I would be in the same position in life to where he is at. I would end up: smoking in my room, on the computer all the time, eating shit-crap food, drinking 6 cans of coke a day, staying up all night on adderall "getting work done", binge out on alcohol, sleep all day, eat tons of pizza, ramon noodles, chocolate crossaints. I would be staying to myself, isolated in my own room, my own world. And if things got so bad, I would never leave my room, afraid to be out their in the world. I would not have my friends. I would not have the life I have today if I were to have kept the life that I had. Amazing. Truly amazing to have this be shown to me.

So, much thanks to Phil. Much thanks in having this mirror be apart of my life. I can now see the drastic similarities between us and yet, the different paths that I have chosen to make. My past still lives with me as a reminder of where I could've been if I hadn't taken this change of route. And my past will still leave with me until I grow stronger in this new path. Until I have my roots grounded in strong and deep into the earth, that show me that this new path is the only path that can lead me to my dreams. This new path is the power and the essence of my inner true self that has been waiting for all these years to become alive again and to continue its growth from where it has left off. It is time that this new tree begin bearing her fruits, her gifts to others.

A (cooked) Dinner Party

On Sunday, my friend hosted a dinner party. She's a chef at Prune and she had prepared a table full of gourmet food. There was stuffed endives, asparagus wrapped in bacon, beet salad, mushrooms, eggs, cookies, cheese&bread and some sort of stuffed marshmellow puffs. What she created was a labor of love...too bad she wasn't able to enjoy it.

Before I started transformation, I ate at Prune and it was amazing. I have utter appreciation and respect for her passion in food. I had told her about the Transformation program and she knew I was not going to eat her food at the dinner party. I made sure that this was clear in order for her to not take it personally. She totally understood and so, I decided to go.

I was content with my Hijiki salad. Others enjoyed it as well. One said it was so refreshing. Another asked why I was only eating the Hijiki. I shared with them the program. One girl looked at me and said, "Oh yeah, I know about that," then proceeded to roll her eyes while she expressed that she just doesn't get it. She didn't want to get it, either. And this was all fine. We ended up talking about art and the amazing exhibit at the Guggenheim: Cai Guo-Qiang.

My friend, the host, hardly sat down to eat and enjoy the comradery. She was exhausted and not very pleasent. The mood was dampened. It was weird. And then I thought...is it even worth it? Is it worth it to cook for a full day, not enjoy the full meal or the company of others? I was getting upset with her and then I kept repeating....hold space, hold space....nothing is personal, just hold space. But seriously...what's the point in making food for others if you, yourself, can't enjoy it?

Spring Cleaning

Ok I'll begin...

Sat as I was cleaning, I needed space in my kitchen cabinets and I instantly grabbed my medicine basket and decided to empty out ALL my medications I've been hoarding for years. Most of these meds I haven't taken in ages, but I found myself not wanting to get rid of it, thinking I might need it or I could give it to someone else. When i admitted this to Amy a few days ago, I saw how toxic this thinking was, so I took action!

I first dumped it into the trash bin, but then decided I didn't want someone to find it - I did not want to contribute to other people taking this poison. I thought about dumping it in the toilet, then I remembered reports of prescription drugs in our water system - by dumping it into our water supply we are spreading the poison, so I just dumped all the pills in the trash bin and recycled the plastic bottles! I think that is the best way to responsibly dispose of drugs!!

There are some SERIOUS controlled substances in this trash: ritalin, xanax, klonopin, wellbutrin, provigil, birth control, asthma steroid inhalers.....- yikes! just writing out these names is embarrassing but i have to admit i used to take these. how real it is to see it like this - now it will never enter my body again. the healing begins...

I challenge everyone to look at the unwanted medications and do the same! Blog it - you're it~!

It's time to Blog~!

YEEHAW we got a blog... I just set this up for everyone to share their moments of xanadu and fear, clarity and confusion, as we walk through Transformation....putting words behind the feelings we are passing through will make this experience everlasting! Use images, videos and music - this is our creative place to show how we Hold Space.