Hi All - I'm back from Vipassana... It was my second "go" in 5 months! It's time for me to share and reflect. i just need to write... however/whichever way it comes out...
Why did i go in the first place? it was a bit last minute. As you all may know, I recently moved to Brooklyn to live with Cassandra. i believe it was the big change i was unwilling to face and deal with. i had no idea how much attachment lurks. things were becoming overwhelming and i pretty much dropped everything on the ground and left with minimal communication...not wanting to deal. not giving myself the time and allowance for things to settle. and ultimately, not understanding the concept of CHANGE. instead, i felt like Vipassana would help me understand, cope and accept this CHANGE more easily - which, on all fronts - it has. it has been a reinforcement on so many levels. On the other hand, it could be seen as "running" away from CHANGE and hiding out.
With that said, i knew i would be breaking a lot of commitments by going to Vipassana upon such short notice.
1. i would be missing the group workshop - the commitment i have to myself, Amy and each person in our group.
2. i was going to miss the potlove that Cassandra and i were planning as my "house-warming party." and i remember at one point, we were both really excited about hosting it together!
3. I dropped my Women Studies Class. My teacher recommended to take it another time when i would not have to miss so much class.
4. i did not follow through with work that i told Amy i would have done for her upon leaving.
5. i did not tell my father that i was leaving and i ended up missing his birthday - come the 5th day of the course - i had already turned my phone in.
and now that i reflect, i see that i was running away. completely abandoning everything that is important to me. and so... i went far, far into the woods where i could be silent for 10 days and just be left alone.... going further into a state of isolation.
funny enough this was no vacation i chose. i entered a place where you have no choice but to sit and fight your own battle - - a place that takes super strong and determined warrior strength to get through.
However, there was something SO strong that pulled me to go to Vipassana. It was something i couldn't really explain, justify or make sense of. and now i'm wondering if it really was my heart that i was listening to or if i was just reacting to fear. hummm???
I was so caught up in my cloud of ailments that i didn't even consider how i affect others. As if i was the only one with problems in this world?!
i did what i thought was best for me at the time. and that's all i have. and now all i can/want to do is learn from this experience. Breaking my word and my commitments is not the truth of who i am and what i stand for. and so, that is something i do not take lightly. that's why i am taking a look at it now...
I started my juice fast today with all of you and i'm sure more clarity will settle in... thanks for listening. i love you guys.
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2 comments:
what i think is incredible is this highest level of soul searching and truth searching that we all do. I mean, anyone else would just be like- I went and did this extremely difficult thing, Vipassana, to get "clarity" but you are even questioning THAT. it is so inspiring that you are looking SO deeply. wow.
yeah...learning to differentiate between the head and heart. is it what your heart is saying is right? or is the head tricking you into saying it is coming from the heart? tricky stuff when not consciously listening.
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