Build the core connection, it will get stronger.

For me, this whole past month has been about my God connection. It's a vulnerable topic for me and between my AA and Amy's program God has come into play so loud that I could no longer push it off to side stage. Long story short...I was raised Christian Science - parents divorced - dad sent us to CFO (camp furthest out) and I came out of the camp as a born again christian which last for about 6-9 months. After which I had then become an atheist (that's when I started using and dosing the alcohol and drugs). When I entered the rooms of AA I found out that I had no spirituality whatsoever. There was only me and my fight. When I did the work with Amy I came to believe the beauty in God consciousness. Today, I have a new found relationship with my Higher Power say God. But do not be fooled by my new spirituality...it is in the building stages of securing a strong foundation. A foundation that I can trust and fully release myself to that which is bigger than I.

Now...when I was a "born again", I was crazy. Simply just crazy. Thought everyone was going to go to hell. I fought for God and defended my God so strongly that I simply was just so crazy that I didn't even scare myself. With my relationship to God today...I am very sensitive to watching myself not to go there again. My personality is an extreme type and therefore I can get "born again" on anything. Which brings me to the food and this path. I am not a "born again" raw foodist but, I find myself wanting to defend something that is still so new to me. And then God enters stage right again and I want to defend him too! And then I think...why am I defending a God that needs no defending? Why turn away when I am asking to serve someone who doesn't know which way to go? Why believe that there is this way...when there are so many different ways? Who am I to say anything...your way is your way, my way is my way and whatever way we go is Gods way.

So, my new friend God is testing me. Testing my strength in overcoming doubt. Last night I was brought to reflect on why I'm in this program. Instead of stepping outside and into it, I passively reacted to it. Still learning and practicing to watch it...I watched myself turn frustrated. Why can't people see the reason to why we are walking this way? Why are we still at the surface level of wanting the cash and prizes? (Reflection. Reflection. Not Reaction but reflection. - I keep repeating in my head. Compassion arises and then it dissipates and reaction clouds over.) I begin to get defensive because I know why I'm on this path. I'm on the path because I see that this path is for me and my way to connect to God. To attain God consciousness. I see AA as a way to see the congregation of God working and then I see Amy's program as a way to build the core connection to God. Digging into the root to remove the craving is where healing can then begin - obsession is then removed, then there is no substance that can get in my way between God and I.

The dedication to myself, God...is the reason I do this work. Yeah sure, the looks, attraction, empowerment, motivation, strength, insight, etc...are plentiful and rewarding but, without the principle motive of maintaing connection to God we loose focus of where we are and why we are here on the path. Once we are strong in our dedication to ourselves, (thus to others) we will not falter in the wavering question of why and be able to see at what angle/side others are entering the stage in order to put our service to work without judgement, without frustration.

My computer crashed while in midst of an email this afternoon in regards to venting my frustration to this topic. I cried when it crashed. I then moved myself to my bed and did a tool #10 (conscious listening) step. What came through was to "build the core connection, it will get stronger". In see that attachement in other people, places, ideas, beliefs, groups, tribes, things, are an illusion. Take them away and where do you stand? Is your Godself strong enough to stand alone when all that you are doing is being questioned? Letting go of doubt in this path for me is being tested. What works for one may or may not work for another. But standing still in my path will make me stronger.